“My vanity saved me.”

A couple days ago I finished reading the book Self Portrait by Gene Tierney. It was very interesting 9too bad it’s out of print but I found it at the library), well written and a harrowing first-hand account of what it’s like to live with a “fractured mind.” Gene and Vivien Leigh could have been some kind of sisters from another mister; they both went through what seem like similar experiences. They were both beautiful, both privileged, and both were romantically involved with really famous handsome guys (Gene dated JFK before he became president and Tyrone Power was in love with her). Though stemming from different circumstances, both Gene and Vivien suffered from mental illnesses. Gene never really identified herself as being strictly bipolar, she might have had a different disorder, but she talked about going through manic depressive spells, being in and out of asylums before she was 40, losing a child (Daria who had to be given up because she was born severely mentally handicapped), and living with the knowledge that something wasn’t quite right in her brain.

Gene felt completely lost, and no one seemed to understand what was wrong (save for Humphrey Bogart during their film together in the early 1950’s. Bogie’s sister had been mentally ill and he knew the signs, so he told the studio chief and producers that Gene needed help immediately); she even nearly attempted suicide by trying to jump off a building–her vanity saved her, she said–she couldn’t bear to think of herself splattered on the pavement. At one point she even mentions seeing the same psychiatrist who treated Vivien. He did nothing to help her, she said. He simply sat down, asked her some questions, decided nothing was wrong, got up and left. She had shock therapy, just like Vivien–it erased parts of her memory, she said, and she regretted having to go through with it.

It makes me wonder, if Vivien had written her own autobiography, would she have talked about the same things? Would she have been candid about her illness, and would she even have overcome her demons? Do you even think Viv was aware of what was wrong? Gene apparently did. She understood what was wrong and made a solid effort to “get better.” However, it certainly wasn’t easy for her. As anyone who has ever been diagnosed with some level of clinical depression (I have) knows, the feeling of emptiness and pervasive numbness is scary and frustrating, and it takes a lot of effort to get up and get over it. But for Gene and for Vivien and others with a lasting disorder that they couldn’t control even with treatment at the time (think Sylvia Plath or Ernest Hemingway who didn’t make it), I can’t even imagine what it must have been like. In reading this book I really thought that it must have been similar to what Vivien had gone through.

What do you think she would have talked about has she written her own autobiography? What would you have liked to know about her that you haven’t read in other books?